Leadership theories worth their salt elevate the pursuit of self-knowledge as crucial to growing in personal, holistic health. ¹ Yet, very little is written for the general public. Bookstores cater to the ego, the development of the outward projection, the self we’re hoping to become, or currently (even religiously) striving into.

If we’re successful, we reach the middle of life with a building legacy of measurable successes. We’ve created lives, our marriages and families are hopefully still intact, and our businesses or ministries are still standing, affirming our efforts. They proudly say to us, “You did it! Well done!” For the rest of us who’ve failed to live into our hopeful projections, we find ourselves shipwrecked, staring into the open chasm of life wondering if we have enough energy to start over.

But, what is success in the first place? The external lives we produce are only as authentic as they are derivatives of a true reflection of our authentic self. Many have outward successful marriages, families, and businesses, but have failed to bring their genuine person to the world. Lost in a sea of anxieties, individuals can run hard, and long, only to cross the finish line of life having lived a lie. They were successful in building and maintaining an ego², but they’ve failed in a much more demanding, yet ultimately fulfilling task.

We are, I believe, made by, and for fellowship with our Creator. Our Creator knows us perfectly well, but we, on the other hand, know ourselves only in part. This is God’s plan over us, this is at the core of Christ’s coming, to love us out of the shadows, into the Light of transformative love!

How can we begin to know ourselves? The first thing to recognize is that we have believed many things about ourselves over the years, but not all of them are true. As children, our nuclear family assigned certain characteristics to our person. We were told we were funny, brave, serious, or shy. We assumed these characteristics, we lived into them like clothing. Our cultural context also assisted in shaping our identity. We came from a place, and space. Those places, like our families or origin, had baked-in values, traditions, and rituals that served to firm up our starting personhood. Many forces, from friends, heroes, and religious experiences were all instruments in shaping our first half, and we ran into adulthood ready to test this thing called life.

One of the greatest influencing factors in the shaping of our self, however, lies in the experienced valleys of life. By valleys, I mean to say the difficult, traumatic at times, life-altering moments that come upon us. Some of them may be obvious, like a child experiencing divorce, or worse, abuse. Other valleys might not seem so obvious, but their memory lies lodged in our timeline as if they happened yesterday. They could be things like being yelled at by a teacher, experiencing the loss of your first pet, or the betrayal of a friend. Our lives are littered with valleys.

Our lives are also filled with mountaintop experiences, those times you can recall when life was abundant, clear, and good. In those moments, prayers were answered, relationships restored, and promises fulfilled. I invite you to do a simple timeline. Draw an arrow, and from left to right, simply highlight chronological mountains and valleys that you can remember. The stronger the emotion, lengthen the line. Don’t pause to think about them, simply scan your decades and watch them materialize. I find it’s helpful if you do it quickly, in less than 3 minutes.

“Leaders who have reflected on their stories understand how important events and interactions with people have shaped their approach to the world. Reframing our stories enables us to recognize that we are not victims at all but people shaped by experiences that provide the impetus to become leaders. Our life stories evolve constantly as we shape the meaning of our past, present and future” (George 2003).

In researching personal formation, particularly within the sphere of leadership development, one of the most fascinating patterns discovered is how our valleys, in fact, shape us. We all love the mountain-top experiences of life and wish we could stay there, but the valleys are where the true formative powers lie. In the valleys, even in the deepest, dark, and difficult, seeds of incredible power lie dormant, ready to emerge like a phoenix.

You see, our values, what makes us who we really are, not just who we are striving to be, they are forged in these valleys. Curious to see how? Just take one of your valleys, maybe just a low-medium one to start. Consider the event, and the words that describe the negative imagery surrounding it. As an example, let’s say your friend lied to you, your trust was broken, and it devastated you. Your world was upended, and somehow you moved on. However, you didn’t just move on unchanged. There’s a good chance that your experience shaped you in an opposite, positive-value way. You are a person now who deeply values honesty and integrity, and approach relationships uniquely related to your valley. If we were to write down some of your core values, honesty, or integrity would rank up there.

I share this, because I have found that many good folks have no idea how to frame their past. They bury the negative memories and forge ahead. However, those events happened. As I’ve personally processed my past in detail, the pain of the memories began to eventually acquiesce and something liberating has continued to emerge; my true self.

Over time, by reframing our past, we begin to recognize who we are NOT and by processing the origin of our authentic values, we begin to take off those old, tattered first-half clothes that were never really ours to begin with. The knowledge of self that began to crystalize is allowing me to embrace my unique story, to see God present in my story, present in the valley. God has gently shaped and will continue to shape beauty from our ashes if we are open to the Spirit’s work.

If you are desirous of personal growth, allow me to encourage you with two principles that are helping me. Firstly, don’t be so quickly enamored by outward success. The real question is whether we are truly bringing ourselves to the world. Secondly, be patient with the nature of self-discovery. Take this question to your Creator, who knows us each inside and out, and loves us perfectly. For years, I thought God’s design was for me to become someone I was not and failed to see the goodness in the good news! We are each made in God’s image, and you can trust Him to lead you back to that old, but renewed image.³

Bruce & Deb Crowe
www.sacredformation.com
To learn more about our charity work in Eastern Europe, click here

1. See Authentic Leadership and Emergence Theory. Some examples include (Avolio & Gardner 2005) (Clinton 1989) (Friedman 2007) ↩︎
2. Exchange ego for false self, projection, or flesh – they are all ungrounded in God’s reality. ↩︎
3. Col 3:10 “…and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” ↩︎